


explanations

by aislingdoheanta



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, Gen, M/M, Post-Prison!Robert, Reunions, Robert Sugden needs a hug, Robert is Struggling with life after prison, Sad Robert Sugden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 10:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21251948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislingdoheanta/pseuds/aislingdoheanta
Summary: Robert returns to Emmerdale after 6 years in prison with the intent to explain his decision for turning them all away. He knows he had to do it for himself, but it's hard to make that case when you're standing in front of two people you hurt the most.





	explanations

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about multiple reunion possibilities for these two and this is one that's sort of stuck with me. I doubt we're going to get Robert's POV so I wanted to try and write something that explains it in the future. It's a little difficult cause this Robert is different, but he's trying to be forthcoming with his reasoning. I fully expect this to end up being a wild AU in the future. 
> 
> Also.... don't bother about the legal technicality stuff. I don't care if it's not accurate or wouldn't happen. My boy is going to have so many people fighting in his corner in that prison that it's going to work itself out that he gets an early release because I demand it. (The thought of him being stuck in there for 14 just kills me.)

Robert was shaking as he drove into Emmerdale, clutching his small bag on his lap. It had been six years since he’d been back here, but things still looked the same. He’d had the same feeling when he’d returned to the village with Chrissie all those years ago.

It was strange that for how much time had passed, it was almost like this little town had gotten stuck in time. He wasn’t deluded; he knew that things had changed, life had continued, people had moved on. But for a moment, in the back of the taxi, he could almost make himself forget that.

“You wanted the pub?” the driver asked him and Robert hesitated.

He honestly had no idea where he should go. He _wanted _to go and find Aaron—if he was still in the village—but he didn’t know if he should. He didn’t know if he could.

“Um. Just up the road. Keeper’s Cottage.” Robert’s voice was quiet and it shook as he spoke. He was terrified to be back, to see the people who knew him before. He’d changed quite a bit during his time away and had things to make up for.

His counselor said that he cut people off because he felt he had to, a mix of self-preservation and a way of coping with things. He said there wasn’t anything wrong with Robert needing to put himself and his needs first because he had to take care of himself before he could take care of others. Originally his counselor had been hopeful that maybe after Robert adjusted and they talked through his fears and worries, Robert might change his mind. He tried for years to get Robert to accept visitors or phone calls, but he wouldn’t. Robert couldn’t.

It had been too hard, knowing that he’d caused all this, that he’d caused even more pain for the people he loved. It was terrifying watching them be miserable and know that it was just a matter of time before they stopped coming to visit at all. Fourteen years was a long time and what if they started to hate him, to remember that it was _his_ fault that things got so messed up? He thought it would be better for everyone if he severed the connection with all of them so they could focus on themselves and their own lives.

“This one?”

Robert looked out the window and saw that his sister’s home looked nearly the same as he remembered it. “Yeah. Cheers.”

Robert took a step out and hesitated before walking up. He knew he had to see her and tell he was out early. He should have called but after years or no contact, he didn’t want to call and be told to fuck off. Besides, they deserved to tell him that to his face.

“It’s just Vic,” Robert said to himself as took a careful step forward. His counselor and him prepared for people to be angry with him. He helped Robert figure out his argument and reasoning so he could defend his actions and hope that they might understand in time. His counselor kept reminding him that no one could judge his situation but Robert as he’s the one who lived it.

He just had to knock on the door and hope that he’d be able to explain.

Robert clenched his fist and raised it to knock on the door.

“Uh. Hang on!” Vic’s voice shouted from inside.

Robert’s chest contracted and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He’d been preparing for this moment for weeks, yet he was still panicking. _It’s just Vic. It’s just Vic. _

“Yeah?” The door opened and Vic was standing in front of him. She stared at him, frowning and moving closer. “Robert?”

“Erm,” Robert looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry I didn’t call but—”

“Oh my god!” Vic threw her arms around him and held him close. He placed his arms awkwardly around her and hoped she didn’t feel how badly he was trembling. He wasn’t used to contact and it was too much but also not quite enough and his body didn’t know how to process it.

Vic clutched him and he could hear her crying. “What are you doing here? How did ya get here?”

“Um. Taxi.”

“Very funny, Rob.” Vic pulled back but kept her hands on his arms.

“They appealed my sentence,” Robert said quietly. “And I worked to get out early.”

“How come you didn’t tell us?” Vic asked.

“It wasn’t a sure thing,” Robert said. “I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up in case it didn’t go through. But then it did and things happened quicker than I thought. I meant to call but I hadn’t in so long and then it was just too hard and—”

Robert felt his breathing speed up and he couldn’t get enough air in and backed away from Vic.

“It’s all right, Robert,” Vic said gently. “Just take a breath, all right?”

Robert tried to listen to her, forcing himself to count his breaths in and out like he was taught. He became aware that there were people wandering about and he didn’t want to be the subject of scrutiny when he was in the middle of a panic attack.

“Did you want to come in?” Vic asked, clearly reading his mind. “I could make you a cuppa?”

Robert nodded and followed her inside. He breathed a little easier once the door was shut.

Robert stood in the living room, clutching his bag in front of him, as Vic turned on the kettle.

“It’s really good to see you, Robert,” Vic said. “I missed ya.”

“I missed you too,” Robert said softly. “I’m sorry that I shut you out.”

Vic sighed. “I was hurt and angry at first. But I figured you had your reasons for doing it.”

Robert nodded. “I just thought it’d be easier for you lot. Not being tied down to someone like me.”

“Robert we love you and wanted to be there for ya,” Vic said. “We’d have kept visiting.”

“I know,” Robert said. _But only at the start. It’d get boring and costly to keep up steady visits. _

“Does anyone else know you’re home?” Vic asked.

Robert’s throat burned at the mention of “home” because this wasn’t home to him anymore, not really. He’s not sure if it really would be again. “No.”

“I bet Aaron would really love to see ya,” Vic said. “He misses you.”

Robert looked down at his hand where his ring was. He’d never taken it off, the one thing he’d refused to part with. He might have given Aaron up for both their sakes, but he couldn’t let go of him completely.

“Wouldn’t be fair, would it?” Robert asked. “Showing up. Demanding he speak to me after years of silence. He deserves better than that.” _Better than me._

“I think you should let me ring him and then he can decide what he wants,” Vic suggested as she brought him a cup of tea.

Robert nodded once and took the tea, keeping hold of his bag with the other hand.

“You can sit down, ya know,” Vic said. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Robert nodded and perched on the edge of the sofa. He could hear Vic on the phone but couldn’t make out the words. His hands started shaking so badly he had to set the cup down on the table.

What would Aaron do? He’s bound to be rightfully angry and hurt—Robert abandoned him after all. He’d have moved on by now and probably wouldn’t want anything to do with Robert. Not that Robert would blame him; Aaron always deserved someone better than him.

_But what if he _wants_ to see you? _

Robert took a breath and looked up at the ceiling. That possibility was worse. How was he going to be able to stay strong and defend his choices if Aaron’s there right in front of him?

Vic came into the living room to join him, carrying her tea with her. “You all right?”

“Nervous,” Robert added after a hesitation.

“Hard being back?” Vic asked softly.

Robert nodded. “Hasn’t sunk in yet.”

“It’s probably going to take some time, Rob,” Vic said. “You’ll have to allow yourself that.”

Robert nodded and they trailed off into silence for a bit.

“How’s your little one?” Robert asked after a minute.

Vic grinned. “He’s just like you, full of mischief. He’s always trying to sneak extra sweets and when I catch him, he tries telling me that I’d not given him any yet.”

Robert smiled at her. “That’s great, Vic.”

“I can’t wait for you to meet him. He’s gonna—”

“Vic!” Vic’s door slammed open and Aaron nearly ran into the room. He was wearing an orange hi-vis vest and completely out of breath.

“Did you run here?” Victoria asked as she stood up.

Robert stood as well, just looking at the man who used to be his husband.

Aaron had frozen in the doorway, staring at Robert, and Robert didn’t know what to do. He wanted to run to Aaron and cling to him, but he didn’t have that right. Not anymore.

“You’re back then?” Aaron said gruffly, gripping the door handle tightly.

Robert nodded. “Yeah.”

“His solicitor got his sentence reduced,” Vic said happily from the side.

It wasn’t a technically accurate description of what had happened, but it was close enough that Robert didn’t bother trying to correct her.

“Were you even going to tell me?” Aaron asked him.

“I don’t know,” Robert admitted. “I thought you might hate me. Wasn’t sure if you’d care.”

“Course I care,” Aaron said.

Robert nodded and looked down.

“Why’d you do it?” Aaron asked, his voice wavering. “You stopped calling and letting me visit. How could ya do that to me?”

Robert took a breath and tried to remember all that he and his counselor worked on. “Because I couldn’t make you live that kind of life for fourteen years. It wouldn’t be fair on you, living for monthly visits if even that. Maybe daily phone calls. That’s not a life. It’s not a marriage.”

“I think I can decide for myself what I want,” Aaron argued. “But you just had to play god, deciding what was best for me, for Vic.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Robert said.

“You just said that you didn’t want me to visit,” Aaron said.

“You’d have put your life on hold waiting for me,” Robert said. “I went to prison to give you back your life. I couldn’t let you throw it away on me.”

“Throw it away?” Aaron asked angrily. “So just because you pushed me away you think that I somehow miraculous got over you?”

Robert closed his eyes. This was not going how he’d been picturing it. Aaron wasn’t saying the lines he’d been prepared for.

“You…” Robert hesitated.

“Do you know how devastated I was to find out you weren’t going to see me anymore?” Aaron asked. He was crying now and Robert hated himself even more. “I was barely coping with things as it was, missing you every second of every day. And then you just cut me off without a word. Do you know how that felt?”

Robert shook his head.

“Like I didn’t matter,” Aaron said. “We were supposed to be in this together. But you made a decision on your own, that affected me, without thinking about me at all!”

“I’m sorry,” Robert said quietly. “But I had to.”

“For me?” Aaron asked, shaking his head. “I’m so sick of people deciding what I need and what’s best for me. You gave up on me, on us. You saying you had to shut me out for years—_years_ Robert—was the best thing for me is… I can’t even think of a word bad enough!”

Aaron wiped at his face. “You said you loved me. And yet you just walked away from me?”

Robert exhaled slowly. He could do this. He could say the words. He’d practiced and prepared. “Fourteen years is a long time.”

“I can do maths, thanks,” Aaron said.

“What I mean is… When we talked about you visiting, it was five years,” Robert said quietly still looking down. “Then everything changed.”

“Yeah, a bit,” Aaron agreed. “But you were my husband. Did you think I was really going to leave in prison alone?”

“Maybe not right away.”

“What?” Aaron asked. He took one forward.

“I know you said that you’d visit and write and all that, but fourteen years was too long,” Robert said. “And when it became too much, what was I gonna do then?”

“Robert,” Vic said, startling Aaron who seemed to have forgotten she was there even though they were in her house. “Do ya really think we’d have just stopped visiting? You’re my brother. I wanted to be there for ya.”

“I know,” Robert said. “But visits can only go so far.”

“So you really think I love you so little that I’d do that to ya?” Aaron asked.

Robert didn’t say anything.

“You abandoned me,” Aaron said. “You promised you’d never leave me and then you just walked away.”

“I know,” Robert said. “But it wasn’t like that.”

“Then how was it?” Aaron asked. “If it wasn’t you playing god or deciding what was best for me, then what was the real reason?”

“Because it was killing me!” Robert shouted, finally looking up at Aaron’s shocked face. “Sitting across a table from you for years, never being able to touch you or hold you, nothing. And the thought of watching your lives continue on, time passing while I was locked up for fourteen years was too much. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t bear watching it happen and I knew that if I was left alone, I’d be able to get through. I wouldn’t have constant reminders of time passing and seeing all that I was missing.”

“We were gonna record things for you,” Aaron said. “So you wouldn’t have to miss it.”

Robert shook his head.

“You could have told us this,” Vic said. “We could have figured something else out.”

“That’s…” Robert shook his head.

“Talk to me,” Aaron said, in a voice that nearly haunted Robert’s prison stay. It was quiet and gentle, the way Aaron could be when it was just the two of them.

“I was left alone you know, for the first few day,” Robert said softly. “They called it suicide watch, but it was just me alone and all I could think about was how much I’d let you down, all of you. How much I wasn’t worth the time for you to put your lives on hold. And there was the little voice in my head telling me that you would resent me, grow to hate me for what I did and just abandon me, leave me alone.”

“Robert—”

“And you’d have been right to do that. I’m a disaster. I ruin everything that I touch. I deserved to be put away but you didn’t deserve to be condemned alongside me.”

“Rob—” Vic tried again, but Robert ignored her.

“That voice, it got louder when I was told I was being transferred. All that money, all that time. I wasn’t worth that. And the fear that you would start seeing that too was too much. I couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving me later down the line, after I’d gotten used to having you around. That would have killed me.”

No one spoke, but their ragged breathing was audible.

“So yeah,” Robert said, hearing the tears in his voice. “I cut you off. But I had to in order to get through it. But don’t for one second think it was easy for me. I worried about you constantly, all of you. There were so many times I queued for the phone before I walked away because I just couldn’t do it.”

“You could have talked to me about it,” Aaron said.

“You were barely keeping it together,” Robert said. “I couldn’t put that on you. I thought, in my head, that you’d be better off without me. And it would hurt less to do it early, for both of us.”

“You broke my heart, Rob,” Aaron said.

“You think I don’t know that? You think that thought hasn’t haunted me every day being locked up? Knowing that I hurt you again?” Robert asked. “You think I didn’t do the same thing to myself? I told you once that I’d rather never have you back than lose you again. Losing you the first time nearly killed me. This time…”

“But you didn’t have to lose me, Robert,” Aaron said. “I wanted to support ya. Be there for you. I loved ya.”

“I know,” Robert said quietly. “And I know that you always put other people before yourself. You’d have kept visiting and all that even if it was killing you. And watching that happen… I’d rather tear out my own heart than what you suffer like that.”

“So you just did it alone,” Aaron said.

“It was the only way I could get through it,” Robert said. “You have to believe me.”

“Course we believe you, Robert,” Vic said. “We’re hurt and we were devastated by it, but we understand you had to what was best for you.”

“You could have told me, you know.” Aaron wiped at his eyes again.

“This way you had the best chance of moving on with your life,” Robert said.

“You think I had any sort of life without ya?” Aaron asked. “You were my life, Robert.”

“I’m sorry,” Robert said quietly again. “I just had to do it this way.”

No one spoke and Robert looked back down again.

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope you can at least understand a little better,” Robert said quietly. He looked up and saw Aaron’s face and he hated that he made him look that devastated.

“Robert,” Aaron said quietly. He hesitated a second more before nearly launching himself at Robert. His arms wrapped around Robert’s waist and his chin hooked over Robert’s shoulder and it just felt like coming home. Robert placed his arms carefully around Aaron’s back and pressed his head to Aaron’s shoulder. He’d been shaking all afternoon but standing here in Aaron’s arms, it was like he was vibrating right out of his skin.

“I’m so sorry,” Robert said, feeling tears burn down his cheeks in his throat. “I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“Don’t,” Aaron said, tightening his grip. “We shouldn’t have made it about us. You had to do what you needed and even though it killed me, I’d rather have ya back in one piece.”

“You still want me?” Robert asked quietly.

“Always,” Aaron said. He let out a huge sigh and clutched Robert closer to him.

Robert didn’t entirely know where they went from here, but at least this time, wherever they go, they’re going together.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say "hi" on [tumblr.](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) Might do more of these reunion one shots and I also have a few post reunion and post prison longer fics. Maybe I'll group them together in a reunion series and aftermath series. It could become a sort of "choose your own adventure" for Robert's return sort of thing.


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